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koori_tachi

May. 11th, 2012 11:26 am Why I vented on Facebook

I’ve been asked why I took my frustrations out in a ‘public’ display on facebook … in all honesty I did it on purpose. I reached the point where nothing I said either over the phone or through msn/emails was getting through to him. He honestly did not seem to be paying any attention. But we all can see him continuously posting to facebook and responding to other peoples posts so through venting on facebook seemed like the best way to ensure that he got the msg loud and clear. And yet he still did/said nothing! Got a little defensive that he was trying to communicate (see all the facebook chats about Caribana and the Steampunk Spiderman) and that I was ignoring his attempts, but I’m sorry, no one else thought that was an appropriate attempt. He’s to busy to communicate through any means but facebook so why not use it to my advantage? I live in the ‘real’ world … I’m an adult with adult needs. All the other ‘adults’ on my page agree that the way he was acting towards me was unacceptable. He’s a child trapped in a mans body. The ‘man’ I fell in love with and who won his way back into my life is a lie …. He does not exist. He and his friends may find his attitude acceptable but, just like him, they are ‘children’ with childish needs and priorities in life.

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May. 4th, 2012 11:03 pm Apparently he's tried 'communicating' with me this past month (part 2)

... some of the timeline is off because I dont have a calander handy to figure out where the us and non-us weekends are...

New Years .... nice, quiet evening downtown in an expensive hotel with a nice expensive dinner ... everything seems to be going ok.

2 weeks later: (him) I hope you dont mind but next year I'm going to Future Con ... (me) ok, I'll spend the night with my parents (I dont do mini cons .... watch everyone around me get drunk while in costume is NOT me idea of fun)

A few weeks of on/off idle chitchat.

M-tac weekend ... spends the day with friends and we meet up afterwards for dinner. Next day we go to the Science Centre of the Lionardo exhibit that we've both been wanting to see. Spend the day in idle chitchat (aka mostly silence) and he appears bored most of the day.

A week of silence. I email him asking if anything is wrong. Did I say/do anything at dinner with his friends to piss someone off? His responce 'sorry, I guesse I'm not good boyfriend material' ... hmmmmm followed by some idle chichat for a week,

Head out to the home and garden show (his idea) ... wander around seemingly bored and only idle chitchat. Maple sugar outing .... again.... wander around seemingly bored and very minimum idle chitchat. Oh - mom ... I need to borrow $270 to buy a new bike. Mine died. (we go to pick it up as I had my moms van that weekend).

Sorry we keep going 4-6 days not talking ... I'm to broke to put money on my phone ... and to busy to email.

OMG I just spent $300 on metal armour that my friend makes in his garage!!! GO ME!!!

Sorry you're upset that I havnt talked with you in a few days, I've been broke and busy. Sorry you're feeling ignored... I'll work on it...

Easter weekend ... bored/anoyed (we're at his house and his mother is driving him nuts ... but as he stated better him than me). Mom is harasing him about cooking dinner, getting a better job blablabla. I should mention here that he's been comenting for atleast 3-4 months that he's been wanting to buy himself a travle tea mug like the one I bought myself. But he's been to broke to afford the $30. So for Easter I buy it for him... only to see one on his bookshelf. When I asked about it he tells me that he finally got around to it last month. I get a little upset - happy Easter... here's the receipt. He couldnt have mentioned that he finaly bought one after months of weekly coments of wanting to???

OUPS, the armour I bought isn't a perfect match to my costume... now I have to make new armour in under a month ... sorry, I'm to busy to email you - working on costumes. (but still has time to reply to other people facebook posts and post his own links and stuff).

Phone call ... I ask him where his priorities stand. No responce.

(randome facebook posts and replies over the next week about costumes and nerf guns but NOTHING towards the girlfriend) ... then a phone call where I get really upset and tell him that he's making me feel like I'm not worth spending time with cause he's always bored when I'm around.

non-us weekend ... I stay home doing house cleaning and he heads out to a mini-con. A mutual friend also at the con coments that this doesnt seem fair.

He has a free weekend that's not an 'us' weekend... yeay video games!!!! Followed by a few more days of silence.

OH - you're co-worker is into Carabana and might be able to get you a part time job working on costumes??? Let me know if I can help!!!

Sorry I havnt called,,, stilll to broke... and busy

I've got cupons to go to Medival Times for 50% off! I got them at the mini-con last weekend. Want to go? I think they offer vegitarian! (sounds like a wonderfull idea!!!) I'll pick up the tickets tomorrow. (2 days later) Heading out later today to pick up the tickets... no reason why he didnt go when he said he was... (find out through facebook photos that he went on a nature hike with a woman in his costuming circle instead). Geeeee, now I'm REALLY starting to think like I'm 'out of sight out of mind'. Big argument ensues and date gets cancled. I'd rather go out for dinner with a friend who actualy makes me feel like they want to be around me. (seems like a reasonable conclusion at this point).

A few more days of silence ... no reasson.

(me) co-workers are asking me why I havnt done a Steampunk Spiderman costume ... post this to facebook. He responds as well as a few other costuming friends. Talk over the next 2 days revolves solely on costume prep and ideas.

A few more days of no meaningfull comunication ... still no texts/emails ... just some randome facebook posts, followed by more silence. Followed by a phone call when I'm crying my eyes out telling him I'm feeling ignored and neglected.

I post on facebook about the hair deal: Oh, you want to get your hair done but it's to expensive? I have a friend that can die it for you profesionaly and cheep ... (me) ummm, wont you be bored sitting around while I get my hair done? (him) nope, I'll work on her costume while your hairdie sets!

Another couple of days of silence. I post to facebook that I think I've been single for 4 months and am only now realizing it. No responce from him but allot of agreement from my family and friends that he's a lost cause.

Facebook coment: (him) I've uped my ebay bid on more costume parts.

Geeeeee, unless costumes are involved he's not interested :( I wonder why I dont consider our last 2 'conversations' in the past 2 weeks as actualy productive. He wont address the cause of the silence... unless costumes are the focus of the conversation there is silence ... WTF???? Not once in the last 4 months has he addressed why I'm feeling ignored and neglected ... no mention as to why he wont phone/text/email/msn for days on end. But as soon as someone mentions costumes he's all ears. Again WTF???? And he wonders why I got PISSED and dumped his sorry ass.

Current Mood: confusedconfused

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May. 4th, 2012 03:12 pm Apparently he's tried 'communicating' with me this past month

I was planning on taking advantage of the 50% off birthday special at a local salon this year but recently found out that they no longer offer that discount. I was mentioning it to my X 2 weeks ago and he offered to have his friend do it for me (she is a trained professional). Now, don’t get me wrong, under any other circumstances it would be a nice offer … but not in our case … I often complain that we only see eachother every other Sunday (that’s it – that’s all). Now, his friend lives downtown Toronto and would need me to come in for a consultation before she picks up the hair die and supplies. I’ve never met her, so he would have to go with me … when I asked if he’d be bored waiting around while I get my hair done he gets all excited about getting to help her with her costume while she’s doing my hair … hmmmm….. starting to feel like I’d be trading/wasting my only 2 days a month with him in order to get my hair done while he can head over there anytime during the week to work on costumes. And this is supposed to be an attempt at us ‘communicating’ and working out our problems. Talking about getting my hair done and talking about costumes does NOT count towards working on our problem with the lack of communication coming from him. It just makes me angrier as he’s just ignoring the whole communication issue. To me, it’s like putting a Band-Aid on a broken bone that’s sticking out of the skin. It’s not addressing the actual issues.

It’s just like he was offering to help me make a costume for Aug’s convention … when the hell does he expect to fit it into his schedule? We’d have 8 ‘us’ days between now and the con!!! That’s not counting the 2 that would be lost due to getting my hair done. So, that’d leave us only 6 days for fabric shopping, fittings, a trip to the cottage Aug long weekend and anything else that might pop up between now and Fan-Expo.

And, still … it does not address the issue of WHY is he ignoring me the other 28 days of the month???

Current Mood: angryangry

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Apr. 26th, 2012 03:10 pm Strangely at Peace ... time to move on :)

I feel strangely at peace today … Got most of my appetite back and have only had 2.5 cigarettes so far.

My smoking has increases astronomically these past few days. So much so that my boss called me into his office yesterday to have a little chat. He knows that I usually only smoke when I’m stressed and I’ve been really quiet so he got worried. That says allot coming from him as he usually runs for the hills whenever someone talks about personal issues. Later in the afternoon the assistant doc manager approached me in the smoking pit and asked me what’s going on with my social life that has me so quiet and stressed. I gave both gentlemen a very short, condensed version of what’s been going on and they both gave me the same opinion – it sounds like he has given up on our relationship and is not man enough to say so. I’ve also talked with my two greatest Jamie supporters in my life (sister in-law got the FULL version and my grandmother only got the condensed version) and everyone agrees that it’s time to move on.

The last time we separated I basically left him after trying for 3 months to talk/work things out. I didn’t know where I stood in his life/future. I walked away and he didn’t stop me and I always wondered why. But this time it’s more like he’s pushed me away. I’ve tried everything I can think of to try and work it out but it basically comes down to at what point do I say that enough is enough? Why am I holding onto a relationship with someone who apparently does not want to be in it? I’ve asked all the questions but am continuously met with silence. Maybe silence is his answer!

So, I shut down my MSN yesterday (he’s the only one I chat with) and found that my evening was much more relaxing. There was no anxious anticipation of a new email or a new chat window popping up. I was able to sit and read a book in peace and not checking my monitor every 10 mins. I’m not going to bother telling him that I’ve moved on … he doesn’t deserve any more respect than he’s been showing me. If he finds it ok to ‘ignore’ me for days/weeks on end then it his choice. But if he has a problem with me ‘ignoring’ him then he’s a hypocrite.

A relationship needs a solid foundation … there must be something holding it together. It’s not enough to have ‘love’ or ‘sex’ … there needs to be more. Trust, respect, open/honest communication … all things that I am NOT getting which I need.

Current Mood: peacefulpeaceful

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Apr. 21st, 2012 07:42 pm What's the point? *part 2*

To say that we 'broke up' would be to imply that we've actualy been dating ... but how does one date someone whom you only see 2 days a month? How do you date someone who thinks it's alright to go 4-5 days without any form of comunication? Who is 'to busy' to send you an email and is to 'broke' to put money on their phone so that they can call/text ou? Something changed in the last 4 months and no matter how hard I try I just cant figure it out. I've tried asking ... I've tried begging ... but I still am only met with silence. So tomorrow, instead of taking advantage of my 1 day scheduled visit with him, I am heading to Mississauga for dinner with one of my girlfriends. Why should I waste any more of my time on someone who makes me feel like I'm wasting theirs? I feel like I'm out-of-sight-out-of-mind with him. I've asked him to define our 'relationship' (for a lack of a better term) and to define what the terms girlfriend and boyfriend mean to him. If he takes that as I dont want him in my life anymore than that's his choice to make.

Current Mood: infuriatedinfuriated

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Feb. 19th, 2012 11:52 am What's the point?

I’ve been asked to update this thing more often … There is allot of things to say but I’ve reached the point where I don’t see the point of saying any of it. II’s not like anyone listens or takes my concerns seriously. I can talk and talk and talk until I’m blue in the face and the one person that I need to listen refuses to accept reality. Ignoring the problems will not make them go away. I will deal with things the only way I know how right now … just bide my time and ‘play along'. The big question right now is how long will my temper last?

Current Mood: frustratedfrustrated

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Sep. 27th, 2011 06:40 am Moving in 4 days

Quick update:

I couldnt keep my doc appointment last week because Tommy had a cooking class and they needed to van for that. Got attitude about how dare I book my appointment at the same time... 'you explain to my child why he has to miss this class he's been looking forward to for months' ... oh, wait... this is the same BULLSHIT she used on me when I needed to van for the last appointment only to find out that she was driving the van on a flat tire the night before and we couldnt inflate/fix it fast enough in the morning so I had to cancel my appointment at the last second. Shouldnt I mention that that time I gave my sister $30 to take a taxi (got MOM to pay me back because no van = NOT MY FAULT)

I cant have the car today (only told 10 mins ago) because the kids have their school photos today. FYI the school is a 5 min walk away from the house!!!! So, now mom has to pick me up early from work to drive me to my appointment.

4 more days until I get my sanity back!!!! And I'm not done with the appointments :( *sigh* this is going to be FUN

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Sep. 6th, 2011 10:37 am My sister is officialy dead to me ...

Ok, it’s been a whirlwind of a time over here recently. The week before Fan Expo I told mom and Pat that I had a date to Dave and Jen’s wedding. I basically said that I now have a date for the wedding and will either be borrowing someones car or getting a rental and will also be staying at the hotel instead of staying with Jen’s sister. Pat had a hissy fit and announced that I made her decision for her and that she would under no circumstances be going to the wedding now. Mom was a witness to all this and after Pat stormed out of the room mom and I went about finishing my costume. We got talking and mom was upset that I wouldn’t tell her who my date was. I told her that considering how Pat just reacted what makes her think I’d be comfortable letting people know what’s going on with my social/romantic life? What right do I have to introduce someone to her venomous tongue? Mom told me that if my date was who she thought it was she was more than willing to let him stay over the occasional weekend to help make things easier on me. I told her that I’m tired of being the one who always has to travel and that it’s draining on my. But how can I progress with my life if I’ve got to consider Pat into all my plans.

I’ve been thinking about either moving out or getting a car come December … Due to my finances December was the smartest/earliest time. Once Jamie and I started talking again and after what mom just told me I decided on getting a car. Jamie’s 2 year plan is to be in Halifax for his schooling. Thought that by staying home and getting a car would mean I could save more for the move. We’d be a long distance couple again for 2 years. Things were starting to look good J

Last Wednesday I went in for my first physical with a new family doctor. After listening to my heart he asked me how long have I had my heart murmur! My answer was ‘WHAT HEART MURMUR??? I know I’ve been having issues with my heart not feeling ‘right’ for about a month now. He looked at my toe nails and said that I need an echocardiogram done and once my blood work gets back he’ll send me to a heart specialist. He ordered my up a bunch of blood work as well as a bone density test. He was shocked that I have never seen a gynecologist so right now I’m waiting for someone to call me back with my referral.

When I got home from the doctors office I was understandably upset. It seems like every time I try to get my health in check I get knocked back a few steps. I know that I’ve been under allot of stress and figured that it would affect my health somewhat, but I never expected to hear that something is wrong with my heart. I was so upset that I told everyone at the dinner table about the outcome of the appointment and headed to my room to be alone. About 10 mins later Pat came in to see how I was doing. I told her that I was mostly upset about how I’ve been trying so very hard to stay healthy only to find out that it’s just about pointless. That I’ve been trying my best to get better for Jamie’s sake (this is officially only the second time that I’ve mentioned to her that I’m currently seeing someone and the first time that I’ve mentioned who it is). She did NOT like the idea that I’m trying to work things out with Jamie. She said some hurtfull things and was comparing him to Garry and Matt and how I should never try to work things out with an ex… just look at her and Matt and the past 7 years. I told her that I remember her telling me right before she found out that she was pregnant that she didn’t love Matt and that she was only with him out of convenience. I told her that it was not fair for her to compare me and my relationships to her and Matt and that the past 19 months have done wonders for me and Jamie … that it gave us enough time to figure out on our own what it is that we truly want with our lives. Her words were so hurtful that I grabbed my cell phone and cigarettes and went outside to ‘calm down’. Mom was on the porch with Angie reading and saw my tears and came running out to see what was wrong. I told her that Pat is now dead to me and that I couldn’t deal with her hurtful words/venom any more. Mom ran inside to talk with Pat and I called Jen then Jamie while walking around the block. After some long conversations I decided to move out Oct 1st.

I had an apartment viewing Saturday evening and fell in love with the place!!! It’s a basement bachelor that’s large enough for all my furniture. $750 all inclusive with laundry and it’s only 2 busses away from the office. It’s a 3 min walk to the bus stop to work and a 10 min walk back as I do not want to j-walk across a boulevard during rush hour LOL. Money will be very tight until January but I am more than willing to do what I must. If/when Jamie is willing and able to join me the easier it will be. But I chose the place based off of just me and my income. If things don’t work out I’ll still be able to manage on my own.

Sunday, mom drove me to York University so that Jamie and I could spend the weekend together. She told me what she and Pat talked about while I was on my walk. Apparently Pat told her that I was ‘flaunting’ my boyfriend and was acting all ‘haughty’ and ‘snooty’ and was ‘snickering’ when I told her that mom and dad are ok with Jamie coming over every weekend. Uhhhh, even I know that there is no way in hell mom and dad would be ok with that. Mom said the ‘occasional’ weekend meaning that Jamie could come over to help with the Barbie inventory! I think what pisses me off the most is that mom found Pat very convincing and believed every word Pat said. Everyone who knows the family situation knows to not believe everything Pat sais. She has a history of twisting everything people say to suit her twisted logic and make herself out to be the victim. How can I be flaunting Jamie if it took me 5 weeks to tell people that I had a date and another week to actually say who it is? Nothing makes sense!

Mom has been offering me all sorts of stuff to help with my new place and has been suggesting that I take some of Pats stuff. I told her, in front of Pat, that there was no way in hell that I’d take anything of hers. And yet Pat is still acting all pissy that I’m moving out and glares at me when mom starts talking about what I can have. She got even pissier when I mentioned that I’ll be taking my microwave and toaster oven with me and how mom owes me a new kettle. YES, I know that Dave and Jen bought mom the new kettle that we are currently using, and NO I will not be taking it with me even though mom is offering it to me. Mom killed her kettle and borrowed mine then killed that one as well. We also killed our microwave recently and instead of making dad go out and buy a new one I lent them mine. So, why is Pat all pissy that mom owes me a new kettle and that I’ll be taking my other stuff back?

I guess the short of it all is that as soon as I move out Pat is officially dead to me. I want nothing more to do with her and her insanity. I ‘flaunt’ my slender size 4 because I no longer wear oversized Spiderman t-shirt and combat pants to hide behind. I’m a grown woman and I am trying my best to be the best that I can be. I don’t need emotional abuse from ANYONE – be it family, lover (or his family) nor friends. I do not need people eating away at my self esteem any more. I don’t need their hurtful negativity in my life.

Current Mood: stressedstressed

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Aug. 8th, 2011 06:02 pm I'm sorry .....

Time, is going by, so much faster than I,
And I'm starting to regret not spending all of it with you.
Now I'm, wondering why, I've kept this bottled inside,
So I'm starting to regret not telling all of this to you.
So if I haven't yet, I've gotta let you know...

You're never gonna be alone
From this moment on, if you ever feel like letting go,
I won't let you fall...
You're never gonna be alone
I'll hold you 'til the hurt is gone.

And now, as long as I can, I'm holding on with both hands,
'Cause forever I believe that there's nothing I could need but you,
So if I haven't yet, I've gotta let you know...

You're never gonna be alone
From this moment on, if you ever feel like letting go,
I won't let you fall.
When all hope is gone, I know that you can carry on.
We're gonna see the world out,
I'll hold you 'til the hurt is gone.

Oh!
You've gotta live every single day,
Like it's the only one, what if tomorrow never comes?
Don't let it slip away,
Could be our only one, you know it's only just begun.
Every single day,
Maybe our only one, what if tomorrow never comes?
Tomorrow never comes...

Time, is going by, so much faster than I,
And I'm starting to regret not telling all of this to you.
So if I haven't yet, I've gotta let you know...

You're never gonna be alone
From this moment on, if you ever feel like letting go,
I won't let you fall.
When all hope is gone, I know that you can carry on.
We're gonna see the world out,
I'll hold you 'til the hurt is gone.

I'm gonna be there always,
I won't be missing one more day,
I'm gonna be there always,
I won't be missing one more day

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Jul. 10th, 2011 07:24 pm wow... it's been a while

Where to start??? ... beware, I've had a little to much to drink after watching a chick flick ... those tend to leave me depressed recently :(

Work is going as well as can be expected. Still thinking about taking some night classes in Logistics... if only I can find an 'in-class' program as apposed to an online course.

Still 'hurting' ... still feel the regret and loss ... still get depressed thinking about him.

Cheryl tried to set me up with someone at her office ... He's easy to talk with, we have allot in common... but I honestly wonder about Cheryl at times. Found out that she's never actual spoken to him! She asked one of his co-workers for his name and info :( I'm honestly upset over that. If she'd have bothered to talk with him and get to know him she'd have known that he's not the man for me. So what if we both like 'weird hats'? He wears as green fedora while I wear a black tophat. As easy as he is to talk with Cheryl should know by now that I do not want to date a geek ever again. I don't want to be with someone who has no social interactions/skills outside of his siblings/cousins. I need someone with a little more confidence than that. I need someone who knows how to interact with the world!

My cousins wedding 2 weeks ago was wonderful. She made the perfect bride. Despite everything I've been going through I actually enjoyed myself. I was able to forget about my emotional troubles for the day and honestly enjoy myself. I even bought a new dress that is TOTALLY not within my normal comfort zone :) I felt so good about everything I even wore a dress to the Mississauga Rib-fest the next day :) Met up with 2 different groups of friends ... 5 guys in total. ALl the guys got along great and even through my being dress out of my norm I felt comfortable and 'safe'. Even managed to hug Chris ... normally I dont trust him and his lecherous ways, but I felt safe enough with the others to let my guard down.

Speaking of Chris... He's easy to talk with and we get along well enough. I just have issues with him being a horndog. We know each other through the Toronto Steampunk Society ... he's getting used to being around a 'conservative lady' and his 'that's what she said' jokes are dwindling while in my presence. But sometimes I just want to tell him to grow up!

Family/friends who have met another one of my male friends are trying to convince me to date him ... some have even started to refer to him as the mature version of Jamie. But I wonder about jeopardizing our friendship. I wonder if dating him would be putting him through what I went through with Jamie and his family/friends? Would I be any better than him? Is it really worth the possibility of loosing this good friend? I've even been asked to invite him to be my date at my brothers wedding! Hmmmm... an 8 hour drive, trying to explain to family and strangers alike that we are not dating and that we'd require separate sleeping accommodations for 4 days is NOT my idea of a fun time! All the bridesmaids have been invited to stay with my soon to be sister-in-law's sisters house for the weekend .. did I mention that I'm going to be a bridesmaid at my brothers wedding? Pat is STILL doing her 'I'm not going the the wedding' bullshit ... it's like she does not want to be surrounded by people who are not as miserable as she is. Don't get me started on little miss attitude!!! She's really getting on my nerves with her guilt trips and bullshit.

(I should really know by now that writing/typing while depressed and drunk is not a good thing)

(insert a bunch of swearing)

If anyone posts a comment asking for more info I'll sober up and write some more....

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